


Up Snape's Bum

by Elfwreck



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Comment Fic, Crack, Masturbation, Other, Pervertibles, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-04
Updated: 2005-05-04
Packaged: 2017-10-11 17:46:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/115020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfwreck/pseuds/Elfwreck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Multiple small objects, which could move about freely, had some promise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Up Snape's Bum

**Author's Note:**

> From the "up Snape's bum" comment fic challenge at <http://community.livejournal.com/up_snapes_bum/405.html?thread=5013#t5013>.  
> Prompts used: Umbridge's favorite quill, broomstick, hockey stick, bunch of daffodils, model of Titanic, can of coke, 12-pack of children's crayons, Harry's missing sock, spare change

Snape was still quivering from the last round of Cruciatus Chairs (a variant of musical chairs for which Voldemort's singing provided the music, wherein nobody was sure if they'd rather sit and trigger the hex, or be caught "out" and have to... entertain the Dark Lord until he felt like singing again) when he discovered, quite accidentally (he'd placed that quill in his chair himself, to remind himself to investigate it), that the insertion of an object into the place where the quivers lasted longest, produced the most amazing sensations.

Over the next weeks, as the Dark Lord's games grew more intense, he experimented with various objects, usually confiscated from students. Longbottom's broomstick was altogether boring, too immobile to provide more than a moment's diversion, although the one he took from one of the Weasley twins performed some interesting gyrations. He wrote a letter of commendation to the manufacturer, praising their animation charm skills.

He took great glee in seizing Muggle artifacts anywhere they appeared in the school. The bent broomstick, which he gathered was for some Muggle variant of quidditch, proved a delight--a seat with a handle. Too bad that, unlike wizarding tools, it didn't have any protection charms; his first spontaneous wandless fire spell turned it to ash (which caused its own set of interesting sensations, but he wasn't sure he wanted to repeat those). The can of Muggle juice, which he gathered was connected to some illegal drug, was cool and hard and flexed just right--until, apparently, he overcame its inhibitions and it spilled itself inside of him. The model of the Muggle boat had been charmed to re-enact its final voyage, a fact which he discovered in a most inopportune manner.

Multiple small objects, which could move about freely, had some promise. The crayons were quite pleasant, until they shattered. Casting _Durusti_ on the daffodils made them last better, and the flowered heads were either an interesting set of pressures, or a useful handle, but even a few minutes' energetic use would make them wilt, which combined very oddly with the hardening spell.

His most prized possession, however, he took from the Potter brat. He and Lucius' annoying offspring (whose lingual skills were nothing compared to his father's, even with the incentive of an "O" grade if he could make Snape say it) were on the quidditch pitch, well after curfew, swinging fists and various objects at each other.

>   
> _
> 
> "But that's all the money I have, sir, until the summer." Potter's tear-streaked face was pathetic. Draco sneered at him.
> 
> _
> 
>  _"Then you shouldn't keep it in a dirty sock, now should you?" Snape replied._

Snape discovered that a knot tied in the end kept the change (two Galleons, twelve Sickles, and twenty-three Knuts, he made note) from slipping out, that the slide of coins against cloth was the most perfect sensation he'd ever felt, and the knowledge of Potter's reaction, should he ever discover what had happened to his money (and his sock) kept him smiling (or sneering,; the students couldn't tell the difference) through Dark Arts classes for the rest of the year. (As did the sock. He removed it for cleaning, dutifully, every three days.)

He even charmed the chair in his classroom to occasionally give a very small, very quick Cruciatus. It kept him alert. And pleased. And Snape was very fond of being both alert and pleased.

When Albus did a spell that removed all the unmatched socks at Hogwarts, he knew he'd finally found the will to cast Avada Kedavra.


End file.
